Harmful Behavior
What counts as harmful behavior?
In general, harmful behavior constitutes any action which causes pain or harm in someone else. As you can imagine, there is an infinite number of actions which have the potential to cause pain or harm, and many of those actions are not necessarily intentional. At Emerge, we look at both intentional and unintentional actions which may become a harmful pattern of behavior.
The following list contains some examples of harmful, abusive, controlling, and violent behavior, as well as the effects that this behavior may have caused. If you have done anything on this list to a partner, chances are that you understand the damage that these actions can cause. At Emerge we ask group members to identify how they have harmed others so that they can work to keep it from happening again.
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- Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, threatened, frightened or intimidated your partner?
- Is your partner afraid of you?
- Are your children afraid of you?
- Are you concerned that your behavior is harming your relationship?
- Have you broken promises about changing behavior?
- Have you ever punched a wall, banged a table, or broken something during a disagreement?
- Have you ever grabbed your partner during a disagreement, attempted to stop her/him from leaving, locked her/him out, or restrained her/him in any way?
- Do you pressure your partner to do things your way, even when you know your partner doesn’t want to?
- Has your partner ever said ‘you’re always trying to control me’?
- Do you use names, put-downs or swearing to control your partner?
- Do you put the blame onto your partner for things you are responsible for?
- Have you found yourself ‘keeping score’ of the wrongs your partner has done to you in order to hold those things against her/him?
- Have you ever blamed your abusive actions on alcohol, other drugs, stress or family problems?
- Have you cheated on your partner or been sexually abusive in other ways?
- Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?
- Are you concerned that your children are being emotionally or psychologically harmed because of the way you treat your partner?
- Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?
- When you do something that hurts your partner, do you just say “I’m sorry” and then expect acceptance of your apology without making any change in how you were hurtful?
- u know your partner doesn’t want to?
- Has your partner ever said ‘you’re always trying to control me’?
- Do you use names, put-downs or swearing to control your partner?
- Do you put the blame onto your partner for things you are responsible for?
- Have you found yourself ‘keeping score’ of the wrongs your partner has done to you in order to hold those things against her/him?
- Have you ever blamed your abusive actions on alcohol, other drugs, stress or family problems?
- Have you cheated on your partner or been sexually abusive in other ways?
- Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?
- Are you concerned that your children are being emotionally or psychologically harmed because of the way you treat your partner?
- Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?
- When you do something that hurts your partner, do you just say “I’m sorry” and then expect acceptance of your apology without making any change in how you were hurtful?
Source: Emerge https://www.emergedv.com
Resourses to Get Help
Here at The Hotline we frequently speak with people who identify as abusive, or who are concerned about behaviors that may be unhealthy.
We treat all callers with dignity and respect, and talk to people with these concerns because we support anyone who wants to take responsibility for his or her actions. Every call from someone who is becoming more aware of their unhealthy behavior is an opportunity to plant a seed for change.
No matter what the situation, our advocates are supportive and remain empathetic.
- Depending on what you’re calling about, our advocates will talk to you about different courses of action. If throughout the call you and the advocate are beginning to identify unhealthy behaviors in your relationship, they’ll discuss these red flags with you and then brainstorm healthy alternatives for the behavior.
- EX: “You can’t change your feelings of jealousy all the time, but you can change how you are confronting your partner about these feelings.”
- They’ll talk about strategies for calming down and deescalating if you feel yourself getting angry, and discuss how your actions can negatively affect yourself and those around you.
- Callers may want to know about Battering Intervention and Prevention Programs — but not all callers asking about BIPPs are the same. While some are looking for a referral because the court has ordered them to, others are seeking out this information on their own accord. In 2010, hotline advocates made between 950-1,000 referrals to these programs.
If you’re looking for someone to lend a confidential, impartial ear, our advocates at The Hotline are a great option. They’ll listen, withhold judgment and help you begin to address what’s going on in your relationship.
If you’re questioning your own behavior at all, or if someone else has brought it to your attention, acknowledging it is a step in the right direction. Give us a call today at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online with us to start the conversation.
According to author Lundy Bancroft, the following are some changes that could indicate you’re making progress in your recovery:
- Admitting fully to what you have done
- Stopping excuses and blaming
- Making amends
- Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice
- Identifying patterns of controlling behavior used
- Identifying the attitudes that drive abuse
- Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process and not declaring yourself “cured”
- Not demanding credit for improvements you’ve made
- Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)
- Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
- Carrying your weight and sharing power
- Changing how you respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
- Changing how you act in heated conflicts
- Accepting the consequences of actions (including not feeling sorry for yourself about the consequences, and not blaming your partner or children for them)
Learn more about Lundy Bancroft here and check out some of his helpful books, including Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
As Bancroft notes, truly overcoming abusiveness can be an ongoing, often lifelong process — but change is possible. Acknowledging that your behaviors might be unhealthy or abusive is a great first step in beginning to change. It’s never too late to seek help.
Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/
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